dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
