Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
