I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
