My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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