So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
