i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
