these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Terrible idea I love it
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
