Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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