i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
