This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
