I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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