I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
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We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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