I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
