Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
