I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
