Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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