Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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