in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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