so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
