made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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