forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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