Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
