update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
