She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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