I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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