I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
