My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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