So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
