why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
