so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
