Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
