He told me they were just razor bumps!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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