I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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