I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
