I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize