I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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