she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
we're so committed to being not committed
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
