Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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