he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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