if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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