dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
