I think I died a long time ago.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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