What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
