I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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