did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
