my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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