Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
