She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
