I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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