I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
