I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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