...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
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Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
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My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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