Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I love you.
Bad choice
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
