My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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