The best revenge is premature balding
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
