Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
