I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
