Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
