If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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