i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
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